This is a piece from the book I am writing for NaNoWriMo. Please keep in mind that it is a very very rough draft. 🙂
When all hope is lost. You don’t know how anyone could ever love you, because you are such a worthless, sinful person. When you are scared to pray to God because you don’t want to be hurt anymore. When you can’t talk to the person that you love the very most in all of the world because they are always busy. Constantly getting your hopes up, only to be crushed when nothing works out again. Wondering why you even thought anything would work out in the first place. Hopelessness is when you feel like you have fallen so far that you don’t know how you can ever get up again. It is when you close your eyes and cannot even imagine a good ending. It is when you begin to just accept the fact that nothing is ever going to work out the way that you wanted it to. When your heart has been so shattered that it is unrecognizable, and you can’t even try to put it back together because you don’t even know where all the pieces are.
Hopelessness is when you are in a deep hole and you can’t get out. Then someone comes along and throws you are rope, and you begin to climb it, but when you get half way up, you find that the rope has thorns on it, and you cannot get out without ripping your hands apart, and you are so shocked that you fall back down into the hole. Then someone else comes along and throws you another rope. You are hesitant to climb it after the last rope, so you climb much slower this time. The person that has thrown the rope gets bored and drops it, leaving you to fall back into the hole. You sit and cry and shake and hurt for a while, until someone else comes. The next rope you climb carefully, at a reasonable speed, but the person holding the rope grunts because you are too heavy, and they drop the rope. They look at you apologetically before leaving. You sit in the hole feeling your stomach, pinching your fat in some places, grabbing it in other places. Finally, another rope is there, and you inch over to the rope and look at it for a moment, before testing it out. You eventually decide that it is okay to climb it, but before you can even start, the person has been waiting for so long that they think that you must not want to climb out after all, and they leave. With the next rope, you are so scared that the person holding the rope will leave you, that you rush to it and begin climbing it so fast that the person holding the rope is scared and they leave you to fall again. It is a long time before anyone else comes. So many people have tried to get you out, but then left, that you begin to feel like you had so many opportunities, but you messed everything up. Finally, another rope is thrown, and you feel that this is your last chance to get out. You climb slowly, but this person is kind. You slip a few times, and still they wait for you. You flinch periodically because you are afraid that they are going to drop the rope, but they don’t. They speak to you and make you feel better, and help you when you have trouble climbing. They almost drop you a couple of times, but they hold on as tight as they can, waiting for as long as they need to. However, you get so scared that they are going to drop you, that eventually you just jump off the rope yourself. The person is so hurt, and so surprised that they leave sadly, thinking that they did something wrong, not understanding what has happened. When a short time later you realize what you have done, it is too late. You cry and call for them, but they are gone.
That, is what helplessness feels like. That is what I feel like.