Before I Die (Poem)


Before I die I want someone to love me back

Before I die I want to fix my heart’s crack

Before I die I want to make the world a better place

Before I die I want to share God’s grace

Before I die I want to be in love

Before I die I want to meet the one I dream of

Before I die I want to lose weight

Before I die I want to not hate myself for what I ate

Before I die I want to eat without guilt until I’m full

Before I die I want to feel beautiful

Before I die I want to grow tall

Before I die I want someone to catch me when I fall

Before I die I want to dance in the sand

Before I die I want to be in a band

Before I die I want to party with my friends in the rain

Before I die I want to get rid of my pain

Before I die I want to cuddle with my man

Before I die I want to have a road trip in a van

Before I die I want to overcome my fears

Before I die I want someone to wipe away all of my tears

Before I die I want to learn how to shoot a gun

Before I die I want to let loose and have fun

Before I die I want to have fun catching a ball

Before I die I want to stop feeling so small

Before I die I want to give a kiss

Before I die I want to experience bliss

Before I die I want to proudly wear a hat

Before I die I want to be loved by a cat

Before I die I want to run a mile

Before I die I want to make people smile

Before I die I want to play guitar

Before I die I want to travel afar

Before I die I want to go on a cruise

Before I die I want to sing the blues

Before I die I want to live with my friends

Before I die I want to make amends

Before I die I want to love how I look

Before I die I want to write my own book

Before I die I want to own a dog

Before I die I want to have romance in the fog

Before I die I want to name every cloud

Before I die I want to sing really loud

Before I die I want to be a size zero

Before I die I want to someone’s hero

Before I die I want to move out on my own

Before I die I want to stop feeling so alone

Before I die I want to learn how to say no

Before I die I want to play in the snow

Before I die I want to stand up for myself

Before I die I want to read every book on every shelf

Before I die I want to go somewhere

Before I die I want to fly in the air

Before I die I want to make someone feel better

Before I die I want to look cute in an oversized sweater

Before I die want to do a backflip

Before I die I want to dance and not trip

Before I die I want to stand on my hands

Before I die I want to actually have plans

Before I die I want to care for someone sick

Before I die I want to be someone’s first pick

Before I die I want to feel confident in shorts

Before I die I want to lay lots of sports

Before I die I want to run super fast

Before I die I want to have a friendship that will last

Before I die I want to grow my hair long

Before I die I want to right what I’ve done wrong

Before I die I want to sing in church every week

Before I die I want to stop feeling weak

Before I die I want to help those with needs

Before I die I want to do a thousand good deeds

Before I die I want to be free

Before I die I want to be happy just being me

Before I die I want to forgive

Before I die I want to live

 

 

Emotions – NaNoWriMo Excerpt


This is a piece from the book I am writing for NaNoWriMo. Please keep in mind that it is a very very rough draft.:)

Hopelessness

When all hope is lost. You don’t know how anyone could ever love you, because you are such a worthless, sinful person. When you are scared to pray to God because you don’t want to be hurt anymore. When you can’t talk to the person that you love the very most in all of the world because they are always busy. Constantly getting your hopes up, only to be crushed when nothing works out again. Wondering why you even thought anything would work out in the first place. Hopelessness is when you feel like you have fallen so far that you don’t know how you can ever get up again. It is when you close your eyes and cannot even imagine a good ending. It is when you begin to just accept the fact that nothing is ever going to work out the way that you wanted it to. When your heart has been so shattered that it is unrecognizable, and you can’t even try to put it back together because you don’t even know where all the pieces are.

Hopelessness is when you are in a deep hole and you can’t get out. Then someone comes along and throws you are rope, and you begin to climb it, but when you get half way up, you find that the rope has thorns on it, and you cannot get out without ripping your hands apart, and you are so shocked that you fall back down into the hole. Then someone else comes along and throws you another rope. You are hesitant to climb it after the last rope, so you climb much slower this time. The person that has thrown the rope gets bored and drops it, leaving you to fall back into the hole. You sit and cry and shake and hurt for a while, until someone else comes. The next rope you climb carefully, at a reasonable speed, but the person holding the rope grunts because you are too heavy, and they drop the rope. They look at you apologetically before leaving. You sit in the hole feeling your stomach, pinching your fat in some places, grabbing it in other places. Finally, another rope is there, and you inch over to the rope and look at it for a moment, before testing it out. You eventually decide that it is okay to climb it, but before you can even start, the person has been waiting for so long that they think that you must not want to climb out after all, and they leave. With the next rope, you are so scared that the person holding the rope will leave you, that you rush to it and begin climbing it so fast that the person holding the rope is scared and they leave you to fall again. It is a long time before anyone else comes. So many people have tried to get you out, but then left, that you begin to feel like you had so many opportunities, but you messed everything up. Finally, another rope is thrown, and you feel that this is your last chance to get out. You climb slowly, but this person is kind. You slip a few times, and still they wait for you. You flinch periodically because you are afraid that they are going to drop the rope, but they don’t. They speak to you and make you feel better, and help you when you have trouble climbing. They almost drop you a couple of times, but they hold on as tight as they can, waiting for as long as they need to. However, you get so scared that they are going to drop you, that eventually you just jump off the rope yourself. The person is so hurt, and so surprised that they leave sadly, thinking that they did something wrong, not understanding what has happened. When a short time later you realize what you have done, it is too late. You cry and call for them, but they are gone.

That, is what helplessness feels like. That is what I feel like.

Mirror


Looking in the mirror

Hating what I see

I don’t recognize my own face

Surely that’s not me

 

So I paint my face with lies

Covering up what’s inside

Hiding my face from the world

Pushing my feelings aside

 

Trying to make it one more day

Trying to escape my past

I try to hide it away

But it keeps coming back

 

Getting caught up in old ways

I’m stuck in my own sin

How can I escape it

When my sin comes from within?

 

I’m fighting every day

Deciding who I want to be

Struggling to find who I am

Should I let my past define me?

 

It really isn’t fair

This isn’t how I should be

I’m looking in the mirror

But not recognizing what I see

Circle of Hate Poem


Hate

What started everything

 

Hurt

Saying anything to make the hurting stop

 

Anger

Lips spewing lies

 

Guilt

Making my heart heavy

 

Sadness

Weighing me down

 

Shame

Hanging my head

 

Sorry

Asking for forgiveness

 

Regret

Unable to forget

 

Clinging

Never forgetting what happened

 

Hate

Hating myself

 

How can I expect to be forgiven,

if I can’t forgive myself?